Well, bitches. Lordy, so much has happened I don’t know where to begin. So’s, I’ve been unemployed for the past few months, so I’ve had lots of time to chat on ladyboy forums, download quality transvestite articles from the interwebs, checking out the hot erotica fiction at my public library, and also other shit that’s kind of top secret right now. The Saphan Loy guy has been hassling me for a new story, and I’m like, calm-the-fuck down, honey, I’m busy. He calls me a few times a day to hurl abuse at me. I’m like, whatever, fucktard. But I don’t say that to him directly, because he’s kinda powerful, and would have my nutsack in a sling.
So’s my mother’s been paying my rent, which, yeah, is kinda humiliating. It gives her a lot of say in my world. Like when I should bathe, and I should wipe my ass better and get a job, that kind of motherly shit. Oh, on the job front, i had a few interviews for sales clerk positions at the Sears and Roebuck Company at the Hilldale Shopping Mall (not it’s real name, i don’t want you nutjobs knowing where i mark my territory), and the Blockbuster video store that has been converted to an adult video store with a pretty lame bisexual section if you ask me. Both times the douchebags who were interviewing asked me about my blog and said they Goggled me. Jesus Christ. Who the hell are you, the CIA?? I can write whatever the hell I want. Last I checked, we weren’t living behind a Bermuda Wall or something like that. So’s I say, yeah, I write a blog about ladyboys. Man, I might as well have just said I’m a Nazi sympathersiser. They looked at me like I just mudded my shorts, which I probably did.
Anyhoos, they asked me more about this and that, and did I like to use the computer, how often did i write, shit like that. I’m like, fuck me raw, Kojak. This is going nowhere. Oh, get this. They asked me about the people I write about, like Big Baby Kenny Ng, that fat bastard who hasn’t written about hot Asian ladyboys in like more than a year. Then, the next question, What about Poppa Percocet? Then, who is Lady Yu Hu?
Basically, it cost me a job at Sears Roebuck (see if I ever buy a claw hammer and duct tape from those assholes again), and it may have cost me a job at the adult DVD store. You would think that a guy with a healthy interest in Asian ladyboy dominatrix videos would have a leg up….or maybe a dick up over the competition. But this pencil-necked dork (the owner’s freakish son, Ryan who wears black fingernail polish), just let me sweat there for a while after asking about ladyboys. Then, yeah, you guessed it lovebirds, I had a crap attack. Ryan says, like a real smart ass, the restroom is for employees only. At that point, I’m done with the interview. So’s I say to him, look Ryan. I don’t give two fucks if you don’t want me to work here. You either tell me where the crapper is, or I’m going into “Preview Booth” number 3 and doing my business right there on the floor like a fucking barnyard animal.
The old Blockbusters Video store
He looked a little surprised, then was like, I was just messin’ with you, Jimmy. Here’s the key.
Yeah, I let loose in the bathroom. I was like, I am not even flushing or washing my hands. The sign says that only Ryan has to wash his hands, anyway, cause he’s an employee. Ryan and his father’s nasty store can go down the shitter too, for all I care. I’m thinking, I’m not coming back here to add to my transvestite porn anytime soon.
See you next Tuesday, Jimmy. New bukkake releases coming.
Ok, Ryan.
The highlight of my past few months of lounging around drinking Natty Lights and popping sinus pills, with the occasional email to Poppa Percocet, Big Baby Kenny Ng, or Saphan Loy, was the anal probe I got last month. Totally friggin’ awesome! They drugged me up on Propofol (yeah, the Michael Jackson juice), then inserted the crazy pipe into my asshole and took some pics. And, get this bitches: my doctor was a smokin’ hot piece of ass! Before they knocked me out, i told her, what, no foreplay, sweetie?
Too bad I don’t remember them lubing up my bunghole or anything. And I was a little embarrassed that all these young Filipina nurses would get a good gander at my tiny limp member. Like I said, it was over pretty quick. That Propofol is the magic Jimmy Smithers sauce. Now I know why Poppa wanted to score some in Cambodia. Man, did I drink the Kool-Aid bigtime on that one.
Anyhoos, I guess my doctor wanted to get to the bottom of my crap attacks once and for all. She was nice about it until she found out that I would pay with my overextended Discovery card, plus my mother’s debit card.
Bitches. They all want Jimmy’s moulah. Then I have to ask my mom for a loaner, and she hurls abuse at me about this and that.
Ok. That’s all for now.
I’m gonna write more this summer, since Saphan Loy is like, you better fucking write something. Ok, ok, re-fucking-lax, or I’ll kick you in the nads.
I’m about to put on some quality preggo videos, have a go at Lady Yu Hu, then call Big Baby Kenny Ng and ask him about some Thailand related shit and whether he can help Poppa Percocet who has been rotting in some hell-hole in Pattaya, pickled to the gills in Chang beer and Tramadol.
Jimmy Smithers
Your International Lady(boy’s) Man
She’s no lady. He’s a ladyboy!
Jimmy Smithers Ladyboy World 